I was a ball of nerves.
I was in my bathroom, just getting ready for the day, looking in the mirror as I curled my hair and tried to ignore the fact that I was so nervous to lead worship the next night.
After suppressing the nerves all week, it finally hit me.
I started trembling and actually began to tear up as a wave of anxiety hit me.
I looked at the pathetically scared girl in the mirror and thought, “I’ve been leading worship for almost 5 years now. This is literally a simple church prayer gathering. This is ridiculous. Why am I still battling fear?”
I’ll rewind a little. I’ve spent pretty much my whole life hiding my voice. I’m not totally sure why or when that became a thing, but as long as I can remember, I never let anybody hear me sing. I loved singing when I was at home alone, or quietly humming when I used a blow-dryer so no one in the house could hear me, but as soon as another person was present, I could not get any real sound to come out.
It wasn’t until about 5 years ago that God spoke to me in my room one day.
He said, “There’s a big fear you have that I want you to get over. I’ve given you a voice. I want to use you to bless others in worship, and you’re being selfish by letting fear keep that locked up.”
At that time, I had recently made a commitment to God and myself to live fearlessly–that I would never let fear be the reason I didn’t do something.
So I said, “Okay God, I’ll start singing,” not totally sure what that would mean or look like.
I’ll never forget the night that started this whole singing thing for me. A few weeks after God told me to get over my fear, my church at the time was having youth worship team tryouts. I went back and forth with myself that whole day about whether or not I should go, until finally I found myself driving to the church, shaking, with my stomach in knots saying, “God, whatever You want to do with my life and my voice, do it. Whether I make the team or not, I’m doing this for You and to show fear that it doesn’t control me.”
I ended up trying out, and everybody was shocked that I could sing.
I made the team, and that opened the door to this whole new world of music and worship-leading for me.
The past 5 years since then have consisted of me learning from scratch. I learned how a band works, how to use in-ears, how to sing harmonies, I had to get used to the sound of my voice in a microphone, what it means to be a worship leader, how to feel a room and take the song where God wants it go…like I literally came into this not knowing anything haha. Over these past few years I’ve gotten to lead at different churches, sing at a few conferences, and even a few weddings. I’m now on my current church’s worship team at Jesus Culture Sacramento, where I get to serve with some of the most humble, gifted, and passionate worship leaders I’ve ever known. This worship-leading thing has been one of the most unexpected and beautiful journeys of my life.
However, every now and again, that fear tries to rear its ugly head.
Fast-forward to that moment in my bathroom (of all places, haha). That was going to be my third time leading worship that week, I had some kind of bug, my voice was giving out, and leading at this prayer gathering felt like more pressure than doing background vocals like I do most often at my church. So there I was last week, shaking, feeling small, and completely unqualified. For a split second, the thought crossed my mind, “Is this worth it? Why do I put myself through the nerves and nausea?” God, I can’t go on like this forever. Help me.”
I had a decision to make…Should I say it was a good run and plan to close the worship-leading chapter of my life pretty soon, or continue to fight the fear head-on until every last bit of it was gone?
I said to myself, “Why on EARTH would I let fear rob me of what I was made to do? God, YOU spoke to me. YOU called me to this, so help me face and overcome this fear once and for all.”
So for the sake of obedience, my refusal to let fear win, and for my hope to encourage other people that battle with fear, I decided to go to war in my bathroom.
I started singing the lyrics to “You Make Me Brave” until I was shouting them and until I believed it.
God helped me get to the roots of my fear so it could no longer control me.
I realized I had put all these different pressures on myself, that I think so many of us experience in the things we pursue.
I felt like I needed to perfect.
I thought, “The world has so many other gifted people, and I’m just some random girl that decided to be obedient. What could I have to offer?”
I didn’t want to disappoint people.
I felt like every worship set I led had to turn into a super powerful, spontaneous set like the Bethel videos on YouTube haha.
And that’s when God told me, “Your worship doesn’t need to look like anyone else’s. You don’t need to be the best singer or worship leader out there for me to love your worship. You’re LEARNING. Give yourself the time and the grace to learn and grow! If you’re fighting your way through this fear and can only manage to sing Me the simplest song imperfectly, that is MORE than enough for Me. THAT is beautiful, costly worship.”
All of this pressure, comparison, and anxiety I had started to vanish. Instead I felt the freedom to be learning, the freedom to not be perfect, the freedom to just be myself.
The next night ended up being one of my top favorite times ever leading worship. Without all the nerves in the way, I was able to actually sing out what was inside of me. I looked around and saw a room full of people singing, shouting, cheering, dancing, and excited about what God was doing in our lives and in our city. There was a new level of freedom I hadn’t felt before. I remember feeling so alive in that moment, and every word I sang felt like driving another nail into fear’s coffin.
I share all this not to be like, “Oooh, look what I did!” but to stand on the other side of a victory and say,
YOU WERE MADE TO BE BRAVE TOO.
YOU WERE MADE TO BE FREE.
There is NO FEAR that has ANY RIGHT to control you.
WHAT IS THAT DREAM YOU HAVE DEEP, DEEP DOWN IN YOUR HEART THAT YOU’RE TOO SCARED TO EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE?
(And yes, I’m shout-typing this because THIS IS IMPORTANT!)
As I’m typing this, I really feel like this is your moment to wake up and allow yourself to pursue the things that sound crazy, unconventional, and impossible.
It’s time to let God to breathe on the little spark in your heart
until it’s a raging, unstoppable fire.
It’s time to leave behind the pressures of perfectionism, people-pleasing, and striving.
IT’S TIME TO WAKE UP FROM THE SLEEP FEAR HAS KEPT YOU IN.
Even if you’re trembling, have no clue what you’re doing, and feel completely unqualified, just start somewhere.
He can only help you “walk on water” when you decide to take the first step.
If GOD has called you and made you for this purpose, that’s ALL that matters.
The world will be a better place because you decided to do what you were made to do.
Take some time to sit and think about what your life would look like without any fear.
Ask God to lead you in doing whatever it is that He’s put in your heart.
I promise you, friend, it will be one of the most beautiful, worth-it things you’ll ever do.
I’m so excited for you and I’m cheering you on!!
P.S. – Feel free to write out what your “thing” is in the comments! What’s that thing you’d love to do but maybe have been too scared to start?
There’s something so powerful about saying it out loud.